I have been wrestling with this topic for quite some time now, but a recent event made my decision clear and came to the conclusion that I need to write on this topic.
Now, many friends and family members have said time and again that they love the site, especially the pictures of the boys and being able to stay updated on how Tony and Enzo are doing. On the other hand, many have said they read some of the posts and do nothing but cry while doing so.
Well, here is a warning; this is a post that will probably make you cry.
You might be wondering why I am going to write about the challenges of parenting through death. Well, even though this is a site about my sons, Tony and Enzo, there are other subjects that crop up related to them that should be written about.
As wonderful and beautiful as life can be, it can also be cruel and downright nasty. Since starting this site, a couple of days after Enzo was born, we have had to deal with some difficult losses.
Prior to the start of the site, we lost two important people within months of each other and just months after Tony turned one. In May of 2013, Nicole’s father passed away. In July of 2013, Nicole’s grandfather passed away. Both had battled different forms of cancer.
Even though Tony was only 14 months old when his grandfather passed, and 16 months old when his great-grandfather passed, he still became very inquisitive.
He would look at pictures wherever we went and ask who they are and why they aren’t around anymore. At first, it was heartbreaking to everyone in the family. As time went by, it made us happy that he would continue to ask or talk about his Poppa and great pop-pop.
To this day, Tony still talks about Poppa and great pop-pop, especially when he sees pictures of them.
So, how does a parent go about dealing with death when there are very young children in the family? Well, we definitely did not skirt the issue, which is what some parents decide is best. We simply couldn’t skirt the issue, not with Tony. He is too observant and asks too many intelligent questions to skirt the issue with him.
We were honest with him, and continue to be honest with him today. He has been told that Poppa and great pop-pop are both his guardian angels in heaven. When he says his prayers at night he names every single person in the family and then names his angels.
The most difficult part of the discussion for Tony over the last year or so was his pronunciation of the word heaven. He would call it ‘Kevin’ sometimes and we would always correct him. At times, it was quite adorable.
By telling Tony at a young age that two of his loved ones, whom he had a chance to meet, were now his guardian angels, it has been easier for him to understand when someone is no longer around us. But, it has also brought out more emotion from him since he is now three.
In late April, we received horrible news that my in-laws’ golden retriever, Molly, needed to be put down not long before she would turn 10. This was devastating news, especially since we thought she was sick due to eating some cardboard and it would be a simple fix to cure her ailment.
Knowing that Tony has been talked to about death before, we told him that Molly was very old and very sick and she would be going to heaven with Poppa very soon.
The Monday of the week we put her down, Tony said goodbye to Molly by giving her a big hug and a kiss. He also said that he didn’t want her to leave because he loved her so much. This was absolutely heartbreaking to watch, but it had to be done. There is no way we could lie to him whenever he went to Nonna’s house and asked, ‘but where is Molly?’
Not long after Molly passed, Tony would ask where she is, knowing full well that she is in heaven with Poppa. He is three and likes to hear himself talk, repeat himself and see what he can get away with. It is natural.
Another difficult decision was made at the beginning of June when it came time to put my childhood dog, Sandy, down after 17 amazing years with her. Yes, that is not a typo. Sandy was 17, a rare feat indeed!
When I received the news from grandmom I immediately told Tony that Sandy would be joining Molly and Poppa in heaven very soon. Tony absolutely broke down, screaming, ‘Don’t tell me that and I don’t want her to go!’ Very much like his reaction to the news about Molly. He cried for a little bit and said he was sad, but soon came to grips with what he was told.
Tony has asked a couple of times since last Thursday where Sandy is and before we can even answer him he will say, ‘She’s in heaven with Molly.’
I know this is a heavy topic, but I thought it needed to be written. Not because everyone should know how we handled death, but how Tony reacted to the news on multiple occasions. Life is difficult. No one ever said it would be easy raising children, but we never thought we would need to have such difficult discussions with our young son so often.
In all honesty, the more we talk about it, the more he understands. And, we want him to understand. We don’t want to brush it under the rug, which we do about other topics simply because he does not need to know about them yet. But, when it comes to people and pets that he loves, he deserves to know what has happened and that they are now looking down on him, smiling, as his guardian angels.
When the time comes, and it is approaching fast, we will need to tell Enzo all about his guardian angels too. The difference, and it will be difficult for us to cope with, is that he never had the chance to meet Poppa and great pop-pop. Hopefully, we can rely on big brother Tony to help tell some stories or answer questions. Enzo also never really had the chance to play with Molly and Sandy since he just started interacting with our dog, Phoebe, not too long ago.
The bottom line here is that parenting is difficult enough as it is, but when the topic of death bombards you, it becomes even more of a challenge. We feel we have handled it in the best way possible and are blessed that both of our boys have so many people in their lives who are willing and open to talking about those whom we have lost. It means they will never fade from memory.
